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confessions of a hunter's wife

My husband and I have been married for just over 9 years.  I feel like the first six of those I was bamboozled.  During that time September brought us back to school, high school football, and the toleration of all things pumpkin spice.  The last three years, however, it has brought us tears, tantrums, and torture.  That's right... my husband discovered hunting season.

Dewy used to discuss the idea of hunting all the time, but it wasn't until my brother-in-law--that's right T Garr... I'm looking at you--showed up that anything became of it.  As a self-proclaimed nature hater, I don't understand the desire to wander the wilderness and get in touch with my inner cave-man.  Like, at all.  I just spent a year of my life, and way more money than I intended, building my dream house.  There's no way I'm going to leave it to pee in a stream.

The problem there-in lies with where that leaves me when he decides to play hunter-gatherer.  That's right...home. alone. with three small boys who have an appetite for shenanigans and malarkey.  This year we added a puppy to the mix. Remember how I hate nature? I've also lived thirty years without a pet, so you can imagine I've really embraced this puppy with open arms.  I'm trying, ok?  That means morning routines, sack lunches, school carpool, homework, soccer practice...all on me.  Dinner, bedtime, laundry, brushing teeth? That's me too.  Nevermind the regular stuff I always worry about--work, shaving my legs, Bachelor in Paradise, and amazon prime orders. There just isn't enough time in the day, people.

I always have every expectation of using this time as a single mom to solidify myself as the boys' favorite parent.  Arcades, pizza, park visits, you name it--we're doing it.  And then hour five hits and I abandon that whole track for shouting and spanking.  Yes, I spank my kids.  Go ahead and judge me.  After a few days we hunker down and go full survival mode.  Today Larsen had four double stuffed Oreos for lunch.  Do I care? Nope.  Is he breathing? Yep.  I mom so hard.

This year, Dewy left on a Friday.  Saturday brought two soccer games, which meant I juggled bribing Larsen to get up off the middle of the field where he sat glaring because he hates playing soccer while Baylor bailed to the parking lot, parking 11 miles from Rhett's game and hauling all our crap over in the canvas wagon for the 45 minutes of game time in sweltering heat while listening to Larsen complain that he was tired as he rode in said wagon, and being let down when all I wanted was a fountain Diet Dr. Pepper and everywhere in the greater Northern Utah area seemed to be out.  I cried in the Fiiz drive through--like a baby.  And only left after they turned down my request for a Prozac and a tootie-frootie cookie as a consolation prize.  Sunday was fun, though.  Larsen stood on the pew during church and screamed, "You're a bad mom, and I hate you!" because I didn't bring a YETI cooler housing a frosty chocolate milk. After signaling to the speaker to carry on, I took our circus to the foyer for the remainder of the meeting.

We've made it to Thursday, and everyone has on clean underwear.  I've spent copious amounts of Dewy's money--a good chunk of it at Old Navy cause they know me by name there--and feel zero remorse.  Four more days and we are home free.



Comments

  1. OMG I love you so much and can relate on EVERY level. Except for when you were listing EVERYTHING that falls on you when Dewey is out of town....I thought wow...I do that shit everyday while my husband IS in town. WHHHYYYYY?
    Even this morning! I am hurrying home from the gym to wake my kids up and get ready for the day so no one is late to school and work. As I am rushing, I notice Kent...still asleep in bed. WTF GET UP!! I literally didn't even shower after the gym today and now doing EVERYTHING WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING!!!!! I should quit while I am ahead. girl, I get you!

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