Lipstick and Legos

This was such a hit last time, and to be honest it was painful to stop once I got started, that I decided to do part two.  You. Are. Welcome.  For those of you who missed the last post, I get kind of cranky like once every four weeks or so, and feel the need to disband the popular notions that certain things are cool.  Here we go... 1. Red Vines Let the record stand in showing that red vines taste like wax.  They are not good, and they never were.  Twizzlers should be your licorice of choice, but not the cherry kind.  I'd argue that Nibs are just as bad as red vines.  The only reason people pretend to like Reds Vines is because it reminds them of when their grandmother would give them a vine for a treat, which was dangerous for all dental work.  Those things get stale and hard after like .34 seconds of air and could break your tooth with one fail chomp.  Of course our grandparents drove our parents around without car seats or seat belts, s...

One of the comments I hear regularly is "Come on... you don't seriously workout at 4am, do you?" Guess what? I do! Five days a week I work out at 4am, and on Saturday I usually sleep in until 5:30/6am before I go.  Now, let the record stand that I don't like mornings.  I am not a morning person, and Dewy will back me up on this.  In fact, when we were first married and he woke up singing it was almost a deal breaker.  Mornings are cold, and dark, and gross, BUT they set the tone for my entire day.  That means I want to get off on the right foot. I've always enjoyed working out.  I go through phases where I prefer running to lifting or classes to free weights, but regardless I enjoy a good workout.  I like pushing myself and getting sweaty.  It gives me more energy, and mentally I feel better about myself.  Nothing drives me more insane then hearing people complain about getting in shape or losing weight and then refusing to do anything ab...

My mom was a stay at home mom.  She was always there whenever we needed her, and in my adolescent brain, that was what a mom was supposed to do.  Dads went to work, and moms cleaned the house, did the laundry, catered to their children's every whim, made dinner... you get it.  Fast forward a decade and you will find Amber Hodges teaching full time and expecting her first baby. Dewy and I always have had the same goals when it came to finances, albeit different ways of achieving them.  He believes in working, budgeting, and saving.  I believe in winning the lottery.  So when it became evident that I wasn't going to be able to quit my job and stay home when Rhett arrived, I had a really hard time.  I spent hours in the middle of sleepless nights crying on the couch talking to my unborn baby and telling him how sorry I was that I had already failed him.  What kind of mother left someone else to raise her baby? Barbaric, right? My actions and feel...

A few weeks ago, at Sunday dinner, my dad asked why my legs looked so tan.  This spurred an entire conversation about how high maintenance I am.  I am a firm believer that you cannot serve from an empty cup.  Therefore, I am not ashamed to admit that I LOVE doing things for myself--pedicures, working out, hair, nails, lashes, massages, you get it--but over the years I have decided that there are some things I refuse to pay for, and some things I refuse to do myself. Everyone, meet Maria.  She is practically a dream come true.  Six years ago she gave me lash extensions, then went ahead an moved to Boise because she is rude.  You can´t just dangle the carrot! She finally came to her senses and moved back, and I've been a thorn in her side ever since.  Just kidding.  I´m like her favorite person.  Maria is a certified esthetician, and a lash wizard.  I send everyone I know her way, and many of my friends--back me up here--see her r...

I have played the piano for 22 years.  It floors me that I can say I have done anything for 22 years.  I still remember being at Grandma Myrtle's--who is furious now that I just used her real name--when my Aunt Denise came over, gave me a squeeze, and said she would see me that week for my first piano lesson.  Thanks for always being patient, Aunt Denise.  And thanks for putting up with all my whining.  When Aunt Denise moved, I started taking lessons from another teacher.  Miss Kaedell is an amazing musician, and I was so fortunate to take piano lessons from her.  She also didn't accept excuses, and held me accountable.  Between those two wonderful ladies, and my dear mother who refused to let me quit, I took piano lessons for about 9 years. This talent has served me many times over as an adult.  I've supplemented my family's income by teaching lessons.  I've served as pianist for numerous auxiliaries in the church.  It even trie...

When I was growing up, us kids did NOT look forward to spring break.  While all our friends were off on wild adventures, we were at home.  Elbow deep in spring cleaning.  And we hated every second of it.  Before you go calling DCFS, let it be known that we had plenty of adventures, and were very fortunate children.  However, true to kid fashion, spring break put our blinders on and we were pretty sure we were the most unfortunate of souls and our lives were over.  Mom had a very specific system, and I blame this exact time every year for turning me in to the clean freak I am now.  We did a room a day, mostly because us kids figured out that if we worked faster she would make us clean more, but that meant that it took all freaking week to finish.  On day one, we would wake up and while eating breakfast, mom would write our lists.  I also blame her for my list obsession.  Whoever owned the room we cleaned each day was required to go in, st...

Let's play a game called "how many sub cultures and fan clubs can Amber offend today"?  I've realized over my 30 years of life that there are quite a few things that are considered "cool" that I find revolting or unimpressive.  The jury is still out on whether or not this is a good or bad thing, but I'm feeling super snarky at the moment and we'll see how much damage that causes. Today I'm going to explain why the top 10 things you hold dear are actually disastrous. 1. Star Wars.  I have seen one Star Wars movie, and that was one too many.  My only Star Wars references will come from the Friends episode when Rachel agrees to wear the gold bikini.  I can name the characters, but I literally don't understand why Yoda has to speak backwards, the light sabers are different colors, or why everyone says Darth Vader's famous line "Luke, I am your father." When he literally never says that.  Not once.  The story line is terrible, a...

I'm back.  Did you miss me? Ten days ago I was sitting in an uncomfortable folding chair surrounded by lovely ladies I'm growing to love.  As I sat there giving myself a much needed pep talk about powering through for another hour of being in a bra, the prophet dropped a bombshell challenge that made the entire room murmur and gasp.  Ten days of no social media.  Ten days.  There were three other parts of his challenge, but this point had all kinds of gals squirming in their seats.  The youth challenge was for a week! Apparently us women have more responsibilities we are shirking so an additional three days was necessary.  Don't be deceived here, I was never against this challenge.  In fact, I like a good challenge, and I was determined to pass with flying colors.  My main fear was that Dewy was leaving all week for another round of hiking with guns--aka hunting if you're new here--and I couldn't fathom how my evenings were going to be...

You know how when you get married you rake in a bunch of cash from people who came to your reception?  On our wedding night, we sat and ate pizza on the bed in our suite and opened all our cards.  We were PUMPED at the generosity of all our parents' friends--let's be honest, our friends gave us fun stuff... nothing productive.  The next morning, we ate breakfast and went to the Gateway mall in Salt Lake City to shop around and see a movie--killing time before our flight to Hawaii.  Dewy manned the cash because, well... I'm not trustworthy in a mall with cash.  It was quickly evident that he wasn't trustworthy either, but for different reasons. Dewy is so full of goodness.  He always has been.  As we walked through the mall, we came upon a lot of people begging for money.  Dewy physically cannot walk by those people without giving them something, and while I'd give them a smile or a wave and call it enough, Dewy started forking over our wedding m...

Being a mom of boys, I always anticipated the day when sports would take over our lives.  I didn't anticipate the decibels it would raise my voice to, or how much hair I could lose from yanking on it. I also didn't realize that I could love and hate something so fiercely... you know... other than my children.   I grew up in an athletic family, and sports have always been a part of my life, so I was totally fine with sports consuming us.  Being on the mom end of sports is a whole different animal than being a player, and I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and say that mama bear hasn't unleashed from time to time on an unsuspecting five year old. There are a lot of opinions revolving around the idea of organized sports, and having been a coach I'll be the first to acknowledge that this world isn't for everyone.  I do think that there are important life lessons that come from being on a team, which is why I will always encourage my boys to play.  I als...

People that have known me for a while, know that a few years ago I started a small business.  It started being just head wraps, but shortly after included hair bows, bow ties, scrunchies, hair ties, earrings, and essential oils bags/cosmetic bags.  I made all the products by hand, and I loved every second of it.  I loved drowning in fabric, finding new materials online for my products, introducing new lines, and hiring models for photo shoots.  I loved knowing people in Switzerland, India, and Maine were wearing something I made.  I learned a lot of things in the early stages of this business, and while the business is still something I do, I've taken a different spin on how I work it. In order to understand the business, you should know why I started it in the first place.  I was already an English teacher, piano teacher, mom, wife, and active member of my church community... so clearly the reason was free time, right?  My husband and I were tryi...

A long time ago I learned that if you were going to be the fat kid in school you had to be funny.  Otherwise you had no friends.  You can thank that epiphany for the countless hours of laughing I have provided you over the years.  All joking aside, I'm naturally witty and funny, but I'm also naturally overweight.  Always have been.  I can remember the first time I recognized my fat rolls.  It was fourth grade, and I was in a grey ROXY tshirt that had a stripe of orange flowers across the chest.  I was in my bedroom sitting at my desk to do homework, when I glanced up and caught sight of myself in my full body mirror and there they were.  I'd been teased and called fat countless times before--even by members of my own family, but it was that moment when I recognized it in myself.  That was the first time I told myself I was fat.  Once I tried to pay attention to how often I said that or something similar to myself.  I gave myself thr...